I've been banging my head in for MONTHS trying to figure out exactly what I needed to do to finally move past my point of frustration...my flares of anger...my stem of sadness...my heartbreak...and in one night, in one dream, it came to me. I had to FORGIVE!! Now, when I first woke up TRUST that I was as confused as ever and maybe even a little perturbed because I thought that I had ALREADY done all the forgiving that was necessary to "move on"...so WHY I was still in this place was "blowing me" (for lack of a better phrase). However, in my dream I realized that the person I had YET to really forgive was ME...
Just as I had for 7 years prior to this day, I had put TOO much energy into this other person when the REAL focal point should have been me. I felt that I needed to forgive HIM in order to be okay, so I did. But after I was STILL somehow experiencing sadness, resentment, bitterness, anger, and hostility I thought that perhaps I had just misled myself and hadn't really forgiven him at all. Not so... I just hadn't taken the time to forgive me. So all of the sadness, resentment, bitterness, and anger was just MISPLACED...it wasn't that I was still mad with him - I was upset with me.
I was mad at myself for not walking away before when I KNEW I should have...I was disappointed in myself for not saying EVERYTHING that I REALLY wanted to say WHEN I wanted to say it...I was resentful because I had made a HUMAN BEING the CENTER of my existence...I was indignant because I thought "I" hadn't done something right and "that" was why you did what you did...I was cynical about the idea of love and finding another to make me feel the way you did...I was mystified as to why it couldn't have been, or why it WASN'T me.
So I was walking around constantly thinking that he still had some sort of "hold" on me and THAT was why I couldn't walk away from this thing although I managed to walk away from him...when really it was that I was taking all of MY issues and [wrongfully] tying them to him and THAT was the thing keeping me in that same place.
So today I forgave myself! I stopped being mad at myself for staying and became pleased with knowing that I was capable of the sincerest form of commitment...I was no longer disappointed in myself but instead satisfied with knowing that I gained more insight of when TO and when NOT TO bridle my tongue...I stopped being resentful but found tranquility in knowing THE TRUE Center of my existence - my reason for being...I stopped being indignant at what I thought were my wrong doings and calmly recognized that "I can't make you love me if you don't" (no matter WHAT I do)...I stopped being cynical about love and started being optimistic, knowing that BETTER was in store for me...I stopped being mystified and became enlightened - for MY good, for HIS Glory!!!
I'm definitely not wishing to be "best friends" again (if we were really even BEST friends to begin with), but on some level I was tired of feeling "I need to run in the opposite direction" every time I smelled you coming. So with this breakthrough I am glad to know that the sight of him wont make me want to puke, or gag, or cry, or scream, or just be OVERLY rude, or run - but in its place just accept what was allowed, say "Hi", and keep it movin...
Forgive...and be forgiven!
Beyond The Smiles: The Confessions of A Star!