Monday, November 24, 2008


It seems very cliche to do this blog RIGHT NOW - simply because it's "THAT" time of year but I'm going to do it anyway. It's not to say that I'm not thankful any other time of the year, because I am, it's just that because of the season there is a bit of EXTRA focus on exactly 'HOW' thankful I really am. There is a saying to "give people their flowers while they live" (meaning they wont be able to smell them when they're dead)...this is just my way of extending ROSES to a few of those deserving parties in my life for all that they've done for me this year...

Hoping you know WHICH one you are, here is:

A rose for you Twin... to thank you for your unconditional friendship. Thank you for laughing with me and for NOT crying with me, but instead causing me to laugh through MY tears... Thank you for helping me to be aware of ALL points of view at all times, and for having my back no matter what. Thank you for momentarily laying down the happenings in your life to help me find, mediate, face up THEN put back together the pieces of MY life! "Greater love hath no man than this..."

A rose for you Boots... to thank you for being such an integral part of my past, present, and future. I miss you like crazy...the whole house pile-ups in bed, the enormous fits of laughter, the "out of the blue" songs, and the "SHOUTS" - LOL. You are GREAT, your worth can NOT be measured, and I'm forever grateful to be connected to you for LIFE!

A rose for you Sabrina Michelle... to thank you for being a leader, a friend, a confidant, and a sister all rolled up into one. I can count on you to both "TRAIN" me (it's not and let me know how proud of me you are ALL IN ONE BREATH - and if I never told you before, it means A LOT! Thank you for a kind of relationship I never saw coming - but can't imagine what my life would be like without it...

A rose for you Scooby-Doo-Doo... to thank you for watering and nurturing this seed with me ensuring that it blossomed into being the beautiful flower it was DESTINED to be. We sometimes sit and wonder how such a "closeness" comes about - and sometimes we don't...we're just thankful for it and pray that the bond only grows stronger. Thank you for being you at all times, for understanding who I am, and for helping me to share a piece of me with the world. You know I've got you covered...

A rose for you Chandelier FranJean... to thank you for extending your kinship and your friendship to me. Thank you for sharing your family, your home, your insight, and your words of wisdom with me. You ROCK... :-D

A rose for you Kicks Kouture... to thank you for being a sister and a light.bulb! I appreciate our similarities and our differences - everything that makes us such a phenomenal pair. This is JUST the beginning of GREAT things to come. Let's set 'em up - and tell 'em to KICK ROCKS (we didn't come to take sides...we came to TAKE OVA'!!!!!!!)

A rose for you Rolls Royce... for not allowing miles, cities, states, or countries to break the bond that we have. It matters NOT how we came to be - what matters is that we ARE!!!! The saying about family is that "blood is thicker than water" - well that may very well be true - but the fact of the matter is that you need BOTH of them to survive! I love you so much more than words can say...thank you for being my blood AND water!

A rose for you GoodeGoode... for showing up when I expected no one to be there! Your presence said SO much more than words really could at that point...I needed that and didn't even know it! Thank you for being...don't ever leave me - if it wasn't evident before, know now - I NEED U!

A rose for you Hip Hop... for, over the years, growing me up - and in your own way somehow playing a major part in shaping me into being the woman I am today. Thank you for taking me through one of the worst pains I've ever known - be it unintentional or not... Thank you - because in that time I learned more about myself than I had ever known before. I now know that I can endure what feels like utter destruction and still, after all is said and done, be ME!

A rose for you Mr. Lieutenant... for pricking my heart and showing me that it hadn't lost it's ability to FEEL. Thank you for revealing to me that I was still "capable"...capable of being consistent even in other's inconsistencies, capable of being sincere in the midst of unsure and untrustworthy situations, capable of caring when it SEEMS that others could care less... Thank you for showing me that my assumptions were indeed FACTS - and still somehow reminding me that "FACT" isn't necessarily "TRUTH"...

This is not CLOSE to the end of my list - it would take DAYS to complete it... but I just wanted to take a little time to say "THANKS"! Love is...YOU!

Beyond The Smiles: The Confessions of A Star


Monday, November 3, 2008

The Art of Forgiving...

I've been banging my head in for MONTHS trying to figure out exactly what I needed to do to finally move past my point of flares of stem of heartbreak...and in one night, in one dream, it came to me. I had to FORGIVE!! Now, when I first woke up TRUST that I was as confused as ever and maybe even a little perturbed because I thought that I had ALREADY done all the forgiving that was necessary to "move on" WHY I was still in this place was "blowing me" (for lack of a better phrase). However, in my dream I realized that the person I had YET to really forgive was ME...

Just as I had for 7 years prior to this day, I had put TOO much energy into this other person when the REAL focal point should have been me. I felt that I needed to forgive HIM in order to be okay, so I did. But after I was STILL somehow experiencing sadness, resentment, bitterness, anger, and hostility I thought that perhaps I had just misled myself and hadn't really forgiven him at all. Not so... I just hadn't taken the time to forgive me. So all of the sadness, resentment, bitterness, and anger was just wasn't that I was still mad with him - I was upset with me.

I was mad at myself for not walking away before when I KNEW I should have...I was disappointed in myself for not saying EVERYTHING that I REALLY wanted to say WHEN I wanted to say it...I was resentful because I had made a HUMAN BEING the CENTER of my existence...I was indignant because I thought "I" hadn't done something right and "that" was why you did what you did...I was cynical about the idea of love and finding another to make me feel the way you did...I was mystified as to why it couldn't have been, or why it WASN'T me.

So I was walking around constantly thinking that he still had some sort of "hold" on me and THAT was why I couldn't walk away from this thing although I managed to walk away from him...when really it was that I was taking all of MY issues and [wrongfully] tying them to him and THAT was the thing keeping me in that same place.

So today I forgave myself! I stopped being mad at myself for staying and became pleased with knowing that I was capable of the sincerest form of commitment...I was no longer disappointed in myself but instead satisfied with knowing that I gained more insight of when TO and when NOT TO bridle my tongue...I stopped being resentful but found tranquility in knowing THE TRUE Center of my existence - my reason for being...I stopped being indignant at what I thought were my wrong doings and calmly recognized that "I can't make you love me if you don't" (no matter WHAT I do)...I stopped being cynical about love and started being optimistic, knowing that BETTER was in store for me...I stopped being mystified and became enlightened - for MY good, for HIS Glory!!!

I'm definitely not wishing to be "best friends" again (if we were really even BEST friends to begin with), but on some level I was tired of feeling "I need to run in the opposite direction" every time I smelled you coming. So with this breakthrough I am glad to know that the sight of him wont make me want to puke, or gag, or cry, or scream, or just be OVERLY rude, or run - but in its place just accept what was allowed, say "Hi", and keep it movin...

Forgive...and be forgiven!

Beyond The Smiles: The Confessions of A Star!